Author: Deb Migneault

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Lucky?

I’ve spent the better part of every day for the past week stalking my friends in China.

I’ve watched Gotcha Day come and go. Watched orphanage visits come and go. And watched as my friends try to help their little ones go through this very traumatic time.

I go from happy for these little loves and the future they NOW HAVE in front of them.

The future that up until three days ago was dark, at best.

But, now their lives have taken a 180 degree turn and have future that now holds MUCH promise.

But, then I have cried. Ugly cries. Tears streaming, hardly able to catch my breath, type of cries.

When I see the pictures of these sweet little loves who are so hurting so deeply.

They are scared.

They are confused.

They are grieving the loss of their loved ones, their nannies.

I can HEAR in my head the cry of a little four year old adopted on the same day as Grace… it was the deepest gut level scream you can imagine. I will never forget that sound. As his nannies walked out of the building. Oh man. I remember it like it was yesterday.

You see, these children didn’t ask for this. They didn’t ask for a family. They don’t even know what a family is.

We think we know that this is better for them. It is. There are no doubts about that. A life in a an orphanage is NOT a life for any child.

But, adoption is routed in deep and profound loss. Several losses in fact.

and GRIEF.

Grief for everything that has been lost to them.

It is absolutely heart wrenching to watch. To experience.

It is these days that I hate adoption. I hate that this children have to suffer through this. NO CHILD should have to experience this pain.

So, when someone says Grace is “lucky”… I want to scream.

I mean, I know a compliment is being paid, they are merely commenting that she is lucky she now has a family. And maybe they are trying to say that we are “good family”.

But LUCKY? ACK!

Hardly.

Grace and others that have come through this journey before her and those that have come after her…. they have suffered more than any child should have to suffer. They have experienced loss like no child should. They have experienced profound pain.

So, next time you want to say the word “lucky” in terms of adoption . . . give it a quick thought. Maybe there is a better way to say what you mean to say.

and certainly, don’t ever. ever. ever. tell one of these children they are lucky. Because, they might not feel so lucky. and saying it to them might make them feel like they SHOULD feel lucky, and that is just unfair.

My thoughts.

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Deb Migneault

Deb has been married to her husband, Steve, for 10 years. They have been blessed with four children, ages 9, 6, 4, and 1. The littlest is from Henan Province, China and joined their family in February 2011. You can follow their ups, downs, giggles, tears, and chaos of their family, now a full family of 6,

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Go With the Heart

As our travel to China approached, I was a bit obsessed with reading books about adoption. Adoption and attachment, sleep, and eating.

Obsessed.

Then, we met Grace.

I’ve read them all. I have. But, when she was finally with us. It was time to throw the books out the window and go with the heart.

That first week in China. She slept. It was GREAT. Other families in our travel group were fighting with the kids to get them to go to sleep, to get them to stay asleep, to have them sleep soundly (mind you…they were all older than Grace). I was feeling blessed. We were sleeping.

Then, we came home.

Then, she had surgery.

Now, we are not.

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When Does It Become Reality?

When you write the first check.

When you notarize the first document.

When you see “You have been approved to adopt one child from the following convention country: China”

When you hear the phone ring.

When you see her face.

When you read “Your LOA has arrived” in the subject line of an email from your adoption agency.

When you say, “I have four children.”

When you paint a dresser.

When you glance in the back of your minivan, see three kids, and actually panic because you thought you forgot someone, only to realize that the fourth isn’t here yet.

When you sign a document written in Chinese that says her name and asks you “do you accept?”

Yes.

Yes.

We.

Do.

When you see her face.

When you start making packing lists.

When you buy bedding with pink ladybugs and purple butterflies.

When you purchase her FIRST pair of shoes.

When your children draw six stick people (2 big, 4 little) in their pictures of their family.

When you start purchasing things for the trip.

When you try on that long forgotten, never thought you would use again, baby carrier.

When you see her face.

now, waiting for travel approval to bring home their little girl.

________________________________________

Deb Migneault

Deb has been married to her husband, Steve, for 10 years. They have been blessed with four children, ages 8, 6, 4 and 1. The littlest is still waiting for them in Henan Province, China. Deb and Steve hope to be traveling to China in February 2011 to bring their youngest blessing home to her family. You can follow their journey to China, as well as their ups, downs, giggles, tears, and chaos of their family here.

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Preparing

When we started this journey (officially) 10 months ago, every night, I would watch “Gotcha Day” videos on YouTube. I have watched countless videos of children meeting their parents for the first time.

As we get closer and closer to our very own Gotcha Day, I have stopped watching anything related to anyone’s Gotcha Day. They are just TOO PAINFUL to watch. I can’t help but see our G in the videos . . . and I see pain. And fear. And heartbreak.

And it hurts to watch.

We can’t wait to see our little girl’s face in person. We can’t wait to scoop her up and hold her. To see our family grow in just an instant. To call her our own. To wrap in her love . . . love she has never known, the love of a mother and a father.

The feelings of joy and happiness that S and I feel will not be shared by our daughter. She is probably pretty happy right where she is. She probably likes her crib. Her room. Her nannies. Her friends. Her food. And while every child deserves so much more than growing up in an orphanage. It is the ONLY life she has ever known.

Then, here come these two Americans. They look funny, talk funny, and smell funny.

It’s painful to think about how afraid, confused, and heartbroken she will likely be. Even if she is prepared at all, she is really too young to understand.

I’ve had dreams about Gotcha Day. I’ve seen her face through a window as we enter a government building. I have heard the facilitators say her name. I have have seen her handed to me. In every dream, she is crying. And, so am I. She looks away. She screams. She reaches for her nanny. And, I cry. Because she hurts so much.

A mother doesn’t EVER want her child feeling ANY of these feelings. While there may be many tears of joy, I am sure I am going to share tears of heartbreak with her.

How does one handle such a crazy convergence of emotions?

I’m thinking I might just want to hand her back . . . because it will ease her pain for the moment. I know. I KNOW that sounds crazy! But, what a mother wouldn’t do to ease their child’s pain even if just for a moment.

I’m not sure how to even prepare for this. I can prepare to have a baby again. Packing diapers and bottles, toys, and treats. I can be prepared for illness. I can be prepared for sleepless nights and changing stinky diapers.

All of that is easy.

I cannot seem to figure out how to be prepared for heartbreak.

I pray God will see us through. He has led us this far. He has moved mountains for G to become a part of our family. So, I must trust in Him. I pray that God helps to prepare our little G for the two (actually five) strangers that will come into her life and turn it upside down. I also pray that He will prepare this mother to help her daughter heal from the pain that IS adoption. On Gotcha Day. During our two weeks in China. The first few weeks home. And on ALL the days in our future.

________________________________________

Deb Migneault

Deb has been married to her husband, Steve, for 10 years. They have been blessed with four children, ages 8, 6, 4 and 1. The littlest is still waiting for them in Henan Province, China. Deb and Steve hope to be traveling to China in February 2011 to bring their youngest blessing home to her family. You can follow their journey to China, as well as their ups, downs, giggles, tears, and chaos of their family here.

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