An Open Adoption? (Part 2)

Read Part 1 here.

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The phrase, “Adoption begins in pain” kept echoing in my mind and heart. Yes, but how does it end? What is the best way to bring healing? Open? Closed? Semi-open? And, if it’s open, what does it look like???

Enter bloggers! Grace in My Heart informed me that Small Treasures had experienced both open and closed adoptions and could talk about both perspectives! After reading her story I was amazed at her experience and stunned by how positive it was. I emailed Kristen, and she wrote back right away. Her email was like an IV of Peace. It flooded my system and instantly relaxed my fears. She explained that having experienced both, she actually preferred open, and NEVER would have guessed that she would feel that way! She told me how she loves knowing where her daughter gets this or that trait and that she’ll be able to share that with her daughter. She also informed me that birthmoms need to move on with their life and that contact may not continue in such a regular manner.

Another blogger gave me her phone number and we talked for almost an hour. She said a few things that really struck me, the most profound was, “There is a God-given relationship between a birth-mom and baby, and I respect that relationship.” True. Another statement to get tossed around in my heart and mind! She also spoke of the joy of developing a relationship with the birthmom during her pregnancy. In her case, they talked on the phone everyday. This, she pointed out, would greatly help my fear that the adoption would not work out, because you get a direct feel for how she is feeling about the situation. Is she wavering? Dead-set? Does she have the support of friends and family?

She also gave advice that put my husband’s fears at bay. Right now, the birthmom is totally in the driver’s seat. She’s calling the shots and saying what she wants this to look like. But, after the adoption is final, we’re in the driver’s seat. And, if the relationship was no longer healthy, we could cut off contact. Now I would never ever ever promise to do one thing (contact) while planning on doing another. But, as the Daddy wanting to protect his family and baby, it brought my husband (and me) peace knowing that we COULD take action if it was absolutely necessary. Furthermore, the birthmother realizes this, too, and as a result, respects the relationship.

***Please read that last paragraph in the spirit it is meant. Again- I would NEVER promise something without intending to do it. And anyone planning on such action would be dead wrong and guilty of moral sin, in my opinion.***

I also spoke with a friend who was adopted about her experience. Her adoption was closed, and she has no knowledge of her birthmother. She doesn’t know her medical history, what her birth parents look like, or the reasons for the adoption, and she has hurt as a result. She speculated that openness would have helped heal these wounds.

And what of Scripture? One of the special things about adoption is that WE have been adopted. Adopted children have a very real experience of what that means. As I discovered in Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families & Churches by Russell Moore, adoption is identity. It tells us who we are in the Lord.

One Reply to “An Open Adoption? (Part 2)”

  1. Congratulations, how exciting!. My son though now 2nd in age in our family was our first child. He was literally an answer to prayer after 5 years of trying to have children and my 7th miscarriage I connected with his birth mother who lived with us for 5 1/2 months. I was able to cut the cord when he was born. We’ve remained close to his birth mom who lives in another State and I was even blessed to be in her wedding. I had her write him a letter right after he was born because though we planned to stay in touch she would never remember the details as clearly as at that moment of the circumstances that brought her to us and her decision. It was a wonderful gift on his 13th birthday when he finally connected biology with this “adoption” we’d always been open about. Three years ago we were able to visit again with her whole family as they travelled out our way for a vacation. Cameron was able to talk openly with her and at the end of our time he put his arm around me and said he “felt so totally loved”. Still chokes me up.
    We went on to adopt Internationally 3 more times. Our oldest daughter is from Russia and two other beautiful girls from China. We’ve been blessed with a wonderful family and I am so happy for your journey to
    the child/children of your dream. God bless.

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