Where do I start? What do I say?
We are at home, without Maggie, trying to figure out what happened, how it happened and why it happened. But mostly, WHAT happened.
The last couple of days have been confusing. Confusing because we are not sure whether to cry or laugh. So we do both. Lots of both. Lots of crying. Lots of laughing. And lots of questioning.
I wasn’t sure if I would continue to write our adoption story down….not sure if anyone was really ready to hear the truth. Or rather, I wondered if anyone was interested in hearing the truth.
We Americans like everything to be neatly packaged and tied with a bow. We like to believe in a prosperity doctrine that says if we claim it or if we believe it…everything works out for the best. We don’t like to believe that there is really evil and suffering in this world outside of punishment.
The comments made by well-meaning friends, neighbors or perfect strangers during a crisis can be quite comical. My favorite so far is this: “well, you just have to trust that the baby is better off with her mother.”
Woa, Nellie…don’t get me started on what is wrong with that statement. What theology do you believe in? What rock have you been living under? What God do you believe in?
This adoption failed not because that is what is best for the baby. It failed because we live in a broken world. Because life is not fair. You see…God can make good come from anything he chooses, but I don’t believe everything happens in this world as it should. That’s ridiculous. God did not desire there to be dishonesty, betrayal, selfishness, nor pain…to name a few.
I wish I could sweep the last 6 months under a rug and forget that it ever happened. Sometimes it seems easier to live in na-na land…to blindly accept the outcome and not look back.
But God reminded me that that is not how I roll…nor is it what HE wants. So after much arguing and wrestling (I don’t tend to win against God but it’s not for lack of trying), I decided to work through all the emotions, questions and facts of the past week.
I will fan into the flame the only real gift HE has given me…and that is my ability to write honestly about my own personal experience.
So hang on tight…the next week could be quite ugly. But I trust in the end, when my fingers are exhauseted from furious typing…that I will see HIM revealed.
________________________________________
Sharee Morris is a wife, mother, follower of the Most High King, dessert junkie, dog loving, adventure seeking normal gal. She lives in Texas with her husband Chip and daughter Sydney. In her former life (pre-kid), Sharee was a broadcast journalism drop-out turned event planner and fundraiser. She even taught elementary school for a few years in hopes of building a perfect career to maintain while having kids. Sharee had everything planned out
