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Why I Chose to Adopt
Less than 12 months ago, I was a mom of two bio kids.
Today, I have three bio and one adopted.
It did not come easy.
I will not lie and say I did not toss and turn about it.
I prayed and prayed for timing for us and for the child.
I asked God to make me willing.
I asked God to open my heart.
I went to Haiti.
With my own two eyes, “I saw.”
I saw so much beauty, pain, but all came wrapped in need.
My heart was so open, I left wounded.
I wanted to run somewhere and pretend I had not seen such life.
I wanted to forget stories I heard.
I wanted to forget eyes that looked at me with hope.
As much as I wanted to.
I chose to not.
I came home and tossed and turned some more.
A lot more.
I thought of the boy I met.
I thought of what would be best for him.
I thought of the babies I carried.
I thought of the sound of roosters.
I thought of the sound of children laughing.
I thought of the lady I met on a random walk lifting her shirt to show me her hungry belly
I Got You Babe!
Originally posted on her blog on September 7, 2010…
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I love days on which I am forced to reflect. Today is not a day I would typically think about anything other than the 15 piles of laundry this weekend
Colorblind? No thanks.
Is there one of those topics in your life, that if touched upon, causes such a hostile reaction within you that you almost instantly feel your blood pressure rising in the form of a red-hot wave working its way up your body? I must honestly answer here; yes, there is!
Anyone who knows me even a little is likely very aware that I deplore racism. Actually, there is nothing that I can readily come up with that would cause me to go
Adoption is Hard
Adoption is BEAUTIFUL, but it is HARD.
Adoption is REAL people/kids who have LOST EVERYTHING.
ALL adopted kids experience some kind of grief and trauma. And, yes, even children who are placed in their adopted parents arms right after birth experience the grief of losing their biological mother. It is just the way God designed us! God intended the relationship between a child and their biological parents to be the strongest human bond. But, because we live in a BROKEN world, this is not always the case. There are over 160 million children who are orphaned worldwide (UNICEF).
This week one of our children worked through some of their grief. It started over something very insignificant but ended in me rocking this child for over an hour while they wailed at the top of their lungs, and we listened to praise music. Much of this time was spent with both of us crying for the loss, the trauma, the hurt and the fear.
I tell you this because adoption is hard but worth every tear. God adopts us into His kingdom. When we decide to give our lives to Christ we can experience many of the same emotions. We hold onto the things of our past; we might fear the past or future; we grieve the past and slowly start trusting God. It takes time to give our WHOLE lives to God; it takes time to TRUST God with the small details; and it takes time to KNOW God will make all thinks work together for good like He tells us. It is a process similar to forming your family through adoption.
But as a Christian, we have the hope and joy of the future. We have understanding that we will spend eternity worshiping our King. We know that God has made us new, and He lives in us. But, we fight this because of our fleshly desires (sin).
Adoption is hard, but it is worth it. It is worth the cost of redemption because we are talking about human souls that will live forever in heaven or in hell. God wants to use the hard times so we can draw close to Him. God wants to rock us and tell us it will be okay. He will take care of us. He will provide for our needs. He will love us even when we sin. He loves us despite our wicked hearts. ALL GOD WANTS IS FOR US TO LOVE HIM!
Please do not let fear hold you back from adopting a precious child. God will give you the strength and wisdom you will need.
Although we had a painful night, we have seen tremendous strides in this child. God did heal parts of our child’s heart!
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Danielle is married to the love of her life, Doug. She is a stay-at-home mom who is starting to home school and loves orphan advocacy. God has used His plan of adoption to impact their lives. They brought home their first two children from Ethiopia in June 2010 (4 and 1 years old), and they hope to adopt many more children. You can follow their journey here.
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From an Adoptive Sister
Go back to August of 2005. I was a 10-year-old girl. I was happy with my life. I loved my family; life was good. I had a mom, dad, and two biological brothers. When my Mom and Dad had just gotten married, my Dad mentioned international adoption to my Mom. She thought it was a crazy idea at the time. She wanted a boy and a girl, better known as “the average American Family.” My Mom went to a spa day that my Dad had gotten her for Mother’s Day but she had put off going. God had a plan. She finally went, and the woman who did her massage talked about her China adoption and how beautiful and wonderful it was. God planted a seed. When my Mom left the spa she called my Dad and said “Hal, I think we have a daughter in China.” My Dad had a simple response, “I have been praying you would say that.”
So, it began. My parents announced they were adopting in a fairly simple way. They really didn’t have much choice since I was 10, Adam was 6, and Hayne was 2. My Mom came to me and said, “So, Ashton, How do you feel about a little sister?” I was estatic and was jumping “I would love one!! Is there one in your stomach?!” She laughed. “No, not this time. We are going all the way to China!”
I couldn’t believe it, but from that moment, I was thrilled. I didn’t question; I didn’t wonder; I just knew. Soon I would have a baby sister! When we started the China adoption process, the wait was said to be 6 months for paperwork and 6 months waiting for a referral. God’s hand was clearly on our adoption as we finished all of our paperwork in 2 months! It was unheard of in the adoption world at the time! We were expecting to have a baby by January. Boy were we wrong. The wait slowed down. Slowly the wait went from 12 months to 18 months to 24 months and so on. We waited. And, while we waited, we prayed.
On May 1, 2007, we finally received “The Call.” We had a beautiful baby girl waiting for us in Xiushan, China! She was 7 months old and just what we had prayed for and so much more!
So, Why All the Traditions?
When Tim and I married long ago, I knew I wanted to have strong family traditions. I wanted to establish certain things we could do each year for certain celebrations as well as family time. Some we did when it was just the two of us (like the Tree of Thanksgiving); others we started when Ethan was born, and we continue to add some each year.
WHY?
Doesn’t this add to your to-do list, you might ask. My answer would be yes. But, it is things that I love to do. I think it is very important! Family traditions are just that…FAMILY traditions. We have so many things in our lives that include others–church, sports, clubs, etc. These are great things that I want to be involved in, but I am very protective of our family times. Times when it is just us–growing and enjoying one another, hopefully strengthening our relationships.
I would recommend the book Celebrating the Christian Year
Jesus taught that the His Father’s desire for us was not a religion but life. The best way to experience joy in that life is through meaningful relationships. How do relationships happen? What causes a relationship to grow? Relationships grow as people experience things together. It is psychologically true in relationships that doing things for the one you love increases your love for that person. Observing family traditions is one way to demonstrate your love for the Lord. At the same time your actions are speaking volumes to your children, and all the while the love between you and them is growing.
I really think that having these special little things we do together creates a common bond between us, especially the boys as they grow older. I have so enjoyed listening to the boys tell the girls about what we are going to do on this day or that. And, just when I think “oh, maybe this year we’ll skip that part,” I hear the kids talking in anticipation about it. And, I realize that it IS important to them. Their family and its silly and serious traditions are important to them.
This morning the kids woke up to find our Christmas countdown thingy out. We open a door a day to find a note, verse, project, or candy inside.
The Dec. 1st door opened to “Prepare a road for the Lord through the wilderness, clear a highway across the desert for our God…thus shall the Glory of the Lord be revealed” Isaiah 40:3, 5.
As we begin this season of Advent, I pray that you and your family will find special ways to “prepare a road for the Lord” in your busy schedules. December is full of traditions in our house, that I am happy to share. I would love to hear of any of your family traditions, as I am always open to more!
Handwoven fabrics are special! Like babies and snowflakes, no two are ever exactly the same. Families are like tapestry. Many threads run through each piece. As you participate with the Lord in the weaving of your family, choose the threads carefully. Remember time helps to hold the fabric together.
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After our daughter’s adoption in 2007, we were sure we wanted to adopt again. While in China, our hearts broke for our daughter’s story of abandonment, and our eyes opened to the desperate needs of millions of orphans. We returned home with our beautiful daughter and also with a new priority in our lives. We talked about adoption with everyone we knew and were able to start an adoption and foster care ministry in our church with another like-minded couple. I am a homeschooling mom of 4, soon to be 5. We are waiting for the referral of our son or daughter from South Korea. You can follow more of our family traditions, as well as our busy life, on our blog.
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Wrestling With Angels
I heard a quote from Wrestling With an Angel: A Story of Love, Disablity and the Lessons of Grace
I am standing today as a living testimony to this truth. After falling into the deep dark pit in which I found myself after our children came home, completely overwhelmed and overcome by the circumstances, I had no personal strength to draw from. There was nothing there. Even my reserves were tapped, and it was weeks, months of prayer and pleading (wrestling with an Angel) before I began the process of standing upright and strong in Him. I”ve said it before, and you know it”s true, just as I did, but adoption is hard work, harder than I ever thought it would be.
It”s also true that His mercies are new every morning and His strength is a renewing one. It”s more than a little scary to say but, in a way, in a singular way, I can honestly say that I”ve arrived. It took a year before I was the mother I thought my children would come home to, and it”s been another 5 months before I can say that I am standing strong and I really love those kids. It”s not that I didn”t love them before, for I can honestly say that I did love them. I loved them before I knew them. I loved them the moment I met them. I chose to continue loving them, over and over I chose, when things were really tough. But, truly, I think I wasn”t capable of really loving them until now. It”s visceral now. Not just a decision or something I knew in my head. My heart is now in the game, and it”s good. Really good.
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California native transplanted to Texas and loving it. Married to the man of my dreams for 18 years. Together, we have two homemade children fondly known as Big Fish 14 and Tuck Tuck 12 and three Ethiopian made: Lady-Bug and Twinkles, both 8 1/2 and Scout 7. Our adoption journey is miraculous. Our children came home to us in June of 2009, and, although the road has been bumpy, we wouldn”t change a thing and we are growing more and more in love everyday! You can follow their story here.
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Questions to Ask Potential Adoption Agencies
I am a researcher—ask my husband. He’d probably tell you I overthink and research, well, nearly everything. So, in an effort to use my research skills (or obsessive compulsive nature?) for good, I put together some questions that I would suggest using when you are calling adoption agencies for the purpose of selecting one for your international adoption.
When you have a list of agencies you want to contact, find a quiet place, get your paper and pen ready, and get your well-charged phone in hand. Pray for discernment and wisdom, and trust that He will guide your family in the path He has called you to.
- Ask to speak to the person who directs the specific country program in which you are interested. Make a note of his or her name.
- Start open-ended- “I’d like to learn more about your X program.” Allow the agency representative to talk freely. Not only will it provide you with answers to your questions or confirmation for what you already know, it can raise issues that you might not have considered. And, it will also give you a feel for the person’s personality as well as the culture of the office, how they work, and what they value or see as important to communicate to potential adoptive families. Remember that you will be working very closely with him or her, revealing a lot about your family.
- What makes your agency different or stand out from other agencies?
- Do you have a religious affiliation? Do all the individual staff members?
- How many staff people do you have?
- Are your overseas staff contract employees or do they represent various agencies? I believe it is to families’ benefit if the overseas staff works exclusively for your agency.
- How many years has your agency been working with adoptions in this program?
- How many placements did you make in this program last year?
- Does your agency do any sort of relief programs in the country beyond arranging adoptions?
- What should we expect communication to be like? Will we receive regular phone calls or email updates while we wait?
- How do adoptive families from your agency connect? Do you offer gathering events for local families? Do you have an active yahoo group or other online community? Do you intentionally connect waiting families or families newly home with their children? This may or may not be important to you. But, it is helpful know what they offer. If you do not desire to connect with families now, you may want to later for your child’s benefit.
- Do you help families prepare their dossier?
- What type of parental training programs do you offer? Is this an additional cost? Is it required?
- How long is your current waiting list for a placement? How long would you expect we would wait? Look for obvious discrepancies between agencies. Agencies that are vastly different than others should make you ask the question why.
- Do you make the travel arrangements for me (i.e., plane tickets, hotel reservations, etc.)? Do you take care of in-country needs such as our guide, interpreter, money (e.g., orphanage donation) transfer, etc.? Not all agencies handle this the same. It is very helpful if your agency wires money for things like your orphanage donation if it is required so that you do not have to carry large sums of money on your person. And, though many people like to make their own travel arrangements, if you find that you are traveling in a hurry at the end of your wait as sometimes happens, it is a real benefit to be with an agency who does these things for you if you want them to.
- Do you work with specific agencies in my state (if the agency is not local to you) for our home study and postplacement follow-up reports?
- What is required for X program with regards to postplacement reports? What kind of follow-ups do you offer? Do you offer anything additional to the country’s requirement?
- Can you provide a description of all fees, broken down so that I can compare agencies?
- Does your agency provide options or suggestions for grants or financial assistance?
- Can you provide me with a copy of the contract prior to paying an application fee to you?
- Do you have families who have used you recently who we could call or email? Make sure these are recently formed adoptive families (families who have been home for less than 1 year) so that the information they provide to you as current as possible. The most helpful information I got about our agency and about adoption in general was from other adoptive families.
Take copious notes as you are able. Write down the answers to the questions as well as just feelings you have. Follow up with the families who have used the agency and keep those notes together.
Remember that though this may feel like an overwhelming decision, the Lord desires for you to seek Him in it and take the burden from you. And, He will bless you in your decision as you surrender it to Him.
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Kelly is a stay-at-home mom/manager to 4 children who don”t seem to appreciate her researching skills unless it involves coupons for Chick fil A or a new toy. She is a part-time editor and part-time blog-surfing junkie, always on the lookout for good resources and essays to post on this site. And, she will talk adoption with anyone willing to listen. You can learn more about their adoption story as well as follow day-to-day life on their personal blog.
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He’s Gently Leading
Christmas 2007, Mike and I felt the clock ticking for our family. If we were going to try for a third kiddo, it was now or never. Comments that season, including one about the fact that odd numbers do not work well at amusement parks, seemed to seal the deal. We both were ready to call our family complete. Gentle 4 it would be.
January 2008 came. I was happy with our decision. Two weeks later, I had my first real lightening bolt, strike-you-down-in-your-tracks message from God. How was I going tell Mike that God was calling us to adopt? Mike would think I was nuts! God doesn